1,2,3,4 what are we fighting for?

Yesterday afternoon, Chester's breathing became very slow and irregular. His vision dimmed to shapes and shadows. We had to identify ourselves because he could no longer recognize us by sight. He called people to his bedside for some quiet loving. When his niece Raina arrived from the airport, he wanted everyone in his room, and he wanted to sit up so he could give everybody good hugs. A couple of hours later, he started talking about the lights and the "beautiful beings". He repeated "good bye" and those in his room were able to say good bye as his breathing slowed even more. Then he rolled on his side and pointed, stating "moonshine, moonbright and moonpies". His breathing picked up and he became slightly agitated. For whatever reason, he turned back.

Since then he has been unable to sleep for more than a few minutes at a time. We were up all night, sitting up, laying down, rolling over, repeat. Everytime he started to drift ot sleep, he would rustle himself awake. He sang and counted to keep himself awake. His favorite song has switched from "Good Vibrations" to "1,2,3,4, What are we fighting for". He would ask for "pillows" and I would crawl up and lie across the head of his bed so he could nestle his head in my bosom and we would hold hands over his chest. He could let the words fall away then, but still wouldn't fall asleep. At one point he reached up with his good hand and grabbed my nipple hard. My yelp and his hysterical laughter made sure that neither one of us even began to drift to sleep for awhile. Unfortunately, the two of us do not fit well in a single hospital bed and I would have to crawl back to the cot next to his bed to rest my back and legs. He can no longer swallow any of his pills and I couldn't get liquid pain killers over the weekend here. We were back to the oxycodone, that this time I was crushing up and spooning under his tongue, trying to stay on top of his pain. Finally about 10am, I was able to make him comfortable enough to relax, if not sleep. We have liquid morphine now and I got permission to use the valium if he becomes so anxious again that he is literally crawling out of bed again.

It is so frustrating and heart breaking, on my part, to see him so close to a peaceful release yesterday and now he struggles with pain and appears frightened to really fall asleep. The increase in spasms both hurt and frighten him and as more days go by without him being able to swallow his medications, the spasms will continue to increase. What are we fighting for? I don't know what made him turn back. I don't know how to give him real comfort. I can put lotion on his back, I can soothe his brow, I can adjust the pillows under his legs, change his bandages and hold his hand but it seems so small in comparison. I feel inadequate in supporting him in whatever it is he feels he has left to do. So, I am sending out a prayer/thought/breath/light/meditation request to all of you who have basked in his light to help send him on to the bigger light that waits to welcome him when he is ready.
PS Chester had another brief seizure while I was previewing this blog post.