Tightrope, Part 2

It is 3:15 a.m. I have had less than half a night's sleep, but if I am to have any hope of getting another quarter, I need to continue my interrupted blog entry. I will be up whenever Chester is up, ready or not, so while he is still snoring, I need to get back to sleep. (This is my official excuse for any typos that may follow. I am writing by the light of my laptop screen, & only half awake.)

I titled the first entry as I did, because Chester & I had been having some conversations about how he feels like he is walking a tightrope -- living in fear of falling off, or of falling astride the wire. (OUCH!)

One area where this is most clear is in regard to his medications & other medical treatments. The steroids he is taking have given him the "pie face" & Buddha belly that he is less than happy with, & contributed to the blood clots he had in his arm, & the slow healing of his wound. Every time they have tried to wean him off the steroids, he has suffered serious symptoms -- but staying on them has forced him to go on blood thinners, & may force him to have more surgery... He finds himself constantly weighing these sorts of trade-offs.

Another area where this arises in his relationship with the many people who help him. He is very appreciative of all the care that is being lavished on him by so many people. He has been told that many people in his condition wind up on the street, totally vulnerable -- a thought that brings tears to his eyes. He thanks people graciously for the smallest service (& frets if he forgets to.)

At the same time, he is struggling to maintain a sense of his own autonomy. A few days ago, he was loading the dish washer, & I asked if I could help him. He replied that he really enjoyed loading the dish washer, because it was something he could do to feel useful. I realized that I was struggling with my own need to feel useful as I watched him. Each of us felt the need to load the dishwasher, in order to feel good about himself. For the record, I eventually sought a different chore to help me feel good about myself. When does generosity become selfishness?

As I pondered this a bit, I related it to my own experience of parenting. On the one hand, the job of a parent is to protect the child, but on the other hand, the job also entails encouraging the child to stand on his own & move away from the parent. It's a variation of the old roots & wings idea. Parents who only "protect" their children rob them of independence/wings. People who push their children to take responsibility for themselves too soon, rob them of their security/roots.

Walking is difficult for Chester, so at times one is helping him by saving him steps. But walking also is very important to his body as it struggles to achieve a greater state of health. Walking is good for his circulation, for helping to reestablish neurological pathways, for helping to restore his literal balance.

It is not as though there is a single right way to achieve balance, once & for all. The balance changes from moment to moment. The tightrope walker carries that pole so that he can make constant adjustments. The steroids are necessary until someday, hopefully, they are not. Accepting help is necessary in this case -- moreso when he is getting tired, & less so when he feels stronger & more energetic. My few days of walking the wire with him have been a real eye-opener!

I will be flying home in the afternoon. My husband tells me that he has been wandering the bed in his sleep, trying to find me. (For those of you not lucky enough to have a menopausal woman of your very own, we are cozier than electric blankets, though occasionally a good deal soggier, too.) I think I will be posting here a few more times. But hopefully I can get back to sleep now!